Weekend Camp

I got back last night from camping with a bruised tailbone and scratched butt cheeks. I was sore and tired but relaxed. I needed that time to be myself but not locked inside the secureness of my room.

I finished a book by Martha Browne, Autobiography of a Female Slave. It is worth every penny that I paid for. That is the thing though. Before Ipurchase the book I sometimes feel that the price is a bit too much and oftenly, I will wait it out to go on sale. I wasn't able to resist that one book and paid $49.00 for it. I remember thinking I will finish it in probably 3-5 days and feel like I wasted my money and then! I will feel like a dumb blond for paying that much for it. Not so... I am glad I paid for it and to add it to my collection of Autobiography books.

Martha Griffith Browne, the author of Autobiography of a Female Slave, was a white woman from Kentucky who, prior to her conversion to abolitionism, had been a slaveowner.

The Synopsis
Mattie Griffith, passing as a black, wanted her book to horrify and shame the nation. She posed as a slave to bring attention to the injustice of slavery. Identifying herself as Ann, a former servant woman, she recalls her protected youth and good education as a nearly white child. She tells that at twelve she was sold to a brutal master. On his Kentucky plantation she witnessed and experienced the cruelty of slave life. Following his death one of his daughters takes Ann to the city as her servant. Ann finds new friendships there and falls in love with Henry, a slave who kills himself after being cheated out of his self-purchase. After being sold to an elderly Bostonian who emancipates her, Ann finishes her story as a schoolteacher for black children.

Alright, enough about the book which I enjoyed tremendously. I am chatting with him while I type this up. I told him about my recurring dream that has now expanded. I get to into describing it, I didn't even bother to ask if I am going way too fast for him, if he is missing something or if there is some area he has a question on. As I realized to do that, he has been caught busy, might be from work sicne no matter how busy he is with chatting with others he has always managed to sneak in either a "hehe" or a "huh?"

I felt I am imposing again. I don't know why I feel this way. It is quite weird. I try to teach myself from eliminating this feeling of imposing on people of being in their way but I can't seem to learn to shake it off. It is part of my Mom's trait and also raising me. To always make sure I am not in other people's way or imposing. It is alright to imposed on us but try to never impose on anyone. It is the same as better to give than to receive. Always have extra food for anyone who can be coming knocking on your door hungry (that goes same for money and clothing!) My Mom had always been this Catholic, good natured woman who is always there first in line to help if there is even a slightest hint that help is needed. Thi sis al without expecting anything back in return. Nope she isn't the kind to gossip either or to say anything back at anyone who says things that offends her or hurts her feelings. She always handles it with a smile and most of the time an apology that goes "You have to excuse a woman my age, we tend not to function as we use to" I have openly criticized her on this statement but I never won. I got to the point that I stopped bothering to even consider it.

It will be midnight soon and he is still in idle mode. I rather not leave without saying a proper g'nite. It is at least, all what we tend to have now, a descent communication couple hours a night. I did miss chatting while he was off, thing is I can't make a distinction if it was him I missed or the chatting -( being able to talk endlessly about anything) since I really don't even chat with anyone regularly but him. He is basically "it", the only one I talk to and have somehow managed to be open with mostly on anything lately. I figured out that it is not because it is "him" that is why I talk. It is because he doesn't have a face. It is like blogging. Sending my sentiments & thoughts across the net with the difference of getting an instant reply and reaction to whatever I say. I still intend to not get use to this. As much as I want to keep this going, I don't trust him yet to stay and always be there. That is another thing on this matter. I am scared to rely on him ...not for the fear that I can fall for him once again....but fearing that I will need him again and in a heartbeat of discontent to a single word of action I do, he will be far, indifferent and a stranger once again. I am alone now. Needing another soul is a scary thing especially if you know the capability of that person to leave and let you be. I have no one anymore to focus my attention and divert my pain to if ever that happened. So why would I even allow to be in that situation? Am I really asking for trouble? Ahhh... yes.... his request to meet with him. Still in the back of my mind... haunting me... if he had pressed for an answer right then and there, I would have given him what I still feel will be my answer int he future - No.

I know I will only end up hurting again by seeing him. And he can't give me a purpose or reason for his want to see me. I am stuck to think that he knows it will hurt me, that he can hurt me, and he blames me partly for our child. That is why, it could be why.... He is meeting another woman whom he most likely woing to sleep with and this woman has already told everyone she is madly in love with him. Why would I risk getting in the middle of that? Wasn't I there before? Haven't I done this before and risked everything because I loved him? But I don't even love him now. I care about him deeply. I know if given the chance I can love him again. But what is my reason now to even take that risk again of meeting him, seeing his face, falling apart in his arms, loving him and then parting ways and being indifferent towards me again? WHY and WHAT are all these for?