Exhausted

It's been an exhausting day today plus I woke up with my period. It is late but I can't even be scared that I might be pregnant since .... heck! sad but true. If virginity can be restored for not having any sexual activity for over a year then I am a virgin 3x over! If I can sell that I would be rich. *sigh* It is weird, I feel the sexiest when I am on my period and I seem to get more compliment and flirtings around this time too. I guess it is because of how I carry myself when I feel sexy. You reflect how you feel. But damn....why on my period...even if not, I will not get lucky anyway. I will flirt and then of course.... I will back off! GGrrrr!

Don't assume I am ugly. No sex doesn't mean that the person is or that I am lousy in bed. My Mom told me I am the most beautiful child ever. He he he I am making myself laugh here. Silly me or maybe to others the expression will be "sick!"

I have had chances and offers. But I give my body so much respect and also, it was the least on my mind since I was raising a child. I didn't want to go for casual sex fearing the diseases I can stumble upon on, plus a guy who will harrass me if I don't want to see him again if ever I didn't enjoy his performance (hehehe) and yet I don't want to be in any serious relationship. That, to me would take my time away from my son. My attention and energy was focused on him. I considered it irresponsibility to be out dating and having fun, giving in to my superficial need and want while my son is being taken cared of by others. It didn't sit right with me. Not that I think other mothers who does this is irresponsible, that isn't it. I do not pre-judge others, I am merely talking about myself and how I feel on this issue in relevance to my own life & self. When I see other mothers having fun on a night out or with their boyfriends, I don't feel envious or wished that I would be able to do such also. I have always been happy with my choice to devote all the time I can with my son. When I see women out with their husband, that is when I wish.

I am a human being with needs too. But I am able to place it aside since I would not settle for anything less than a sexual & committed relationship that consist of love and respect..... or the man who gave me my son. Nope! I am not hung up on him still. It is just my thinking that, "he already shared the bed with me once and gave me my son so nothing wrong with being with him again if even just to satisfy my need" but don't count on that. Most likely I will not even settle for that now. It used to work on my mentality to trick it into hoping for that great sex to come to my life again. I doubt it will even work anymore.

He is not working today meaning we will not have any communication until he goes back to work in 2 days. Texting me cost quite a lot and he has a girl (or girls) he has to earmark his text credits for. Nope! I am not jealous. It was just a statement of fact to explain why I hardly get any text messages from him even after sending him one. That is the weird part. I miss that feeling of jealousy. Does it really mean I no longer love him? Is it really gone? Will it ever come back? Should I decide to see him then? If I no longer love him, why even bother to give in to his request of meeting in Europe? Won't I just be risking to ruin his relationships and also....loving him again? But if I still love him, the more I shouldn't right? Because I will be doing the same thing I have done before. Loving him, him letting me be and hurting.

I can't find an answer to this....