A man best to be.

How time flies. I have been quite contented and satisfied with my life right now. Thankful for friends - true friends that may be few have been true to the meaning of the word. A son that might not have been from my flesh but has my heart. A job that not only I enjoy and helps me improve both mentally & emotionally.

I questioned my feeling on one aspect though, the right to feel jealous that one I cared for is being graced with a new life. Why? What gives me the right? None. That is the answer. So what justification would I have for feeling jealous that he is granted a new life and here I am needing to take other people's child.

It is not anyone's doing that I am scared to gamble again to bear another life. No ones fault that I won't settle for this wonderful man before me who loves me unconditionally. It is my choice...the life I have now. The life I have now that I am quite contented with that I momentarily question because he is blessed with something I assume I deserve.

It is the path I choose for now.

Maybe a life with J will one day come. Maybe a new life inside me will someday grow. But for now, I need to enjoy my satisfaction for what I have - a son & a partner who loves me unconditionally, a family who is always there to support me, a job that sustains me and friends who keeps me straight when I go astray.

He may not know this and will never know, how glad and happy I am that he is able to find meaning for his life now, experience to be loved unconditionally and be needed. I have always wished this for him, however he thought of me. When you love a soul, it never stop even if the love you feel becomes one that is pure & uninhibited. He can probably never understand the person I am but I am one who has seen his pureness and questioned his choice to restrain it. A man best to do this is a man who a child will benefit from.