reality hurts

been a while...I must be adjusting to my life little by little to hardly fill the pages of my journal. I do keep another journal that I tightly hide from my family. If anything happens to me, I hope through this blog, if they ever stumble upon this, then they will discover that journal of mine. It is really not hard to find. I keep it where LG's diaper bag is inside my closet. No one dares open that bad anyway so I figured it is a safe haven for my journal.

I came across a reality yesterday that turned me emotionally upside down. Confusement and senselessness once again. It hit me like a brick and I am havign such a difficult time figuring out how to adjust to it.

After so many missed calls from Jove, I finally decided tojust call her. I find it odd she will deny her calling me when I had about 12 missed calls from her. She seemed quaint, immature and self assured. By our 30 minute conversation I personally gathered the opinion that she can be selfish. I may be harsh to be judging a person via a 30 minute phone conversation but I have never really failed before in my thoughts on people after speak to them. I never out right tell what I think since I can be construde as rude or harsh. I keep it to myself. But Ihave always managed to be right with my observation.

She gave me the news that dropped on me like a heavy concrete slab. He is now living with a girl. When Jove asked her how long, this girl Aby answered 3 months.

It is funny too how his gf's find it easy to run and confide to me as if I am he's mother. I wonder sometimes if it comes across their mind if I still love him and get affected too. I am human even though I have tried so hard to show him indifference. I do keep my feelings to myself that no one even my closest friend knows.

She asked "Do you have a boyfriend now?" I was caught off guard and answered "No, I have no interest with that at the moment", "Oh maybe another time, someday you will find one" I wanted so much to answer her "I am not looking for anyone, I am waiting." but I held my tongue. She doesn't need nor would want to hear such. She just want for me to listen to her and give her some sort of comfort that she didn't do anything wrong and he did love her. "Yes he love you and because he loves you, if you choose to leave him, he will not go after you for he would think you are better off without him. So if you do love him, stay and bear the pain that comes with loving him or leave and never look back nor expect for him to go back for you, He has never asked any of his gfs who left him back."

My heart aches as she tells me she is the best for him. I questioned her in silence. "Why you think so less of me?"

But then as she tells me he is now living with this girl, I realized that is the end of whatever hoping I do for the chance that there will ever be. Some ray of hope came from her mouth saying that she cheats on him too, for this girl has another man and she is ready to bet even her life that is true. I jokingly told her that I hope he is protected and will not be spreadign diseases then.

But my heart sank. Having multiple girls here and there was acceptable, it doesnt constitute permanency. Living with another, that seems to bear the sign of nearing and reaching the end of it all. It is very hard for me to accept, it is very hard for me to ignore.

I cried after I hang up the phone. Stayed in bed and just cried myself to sleep.

Just the day before I thought of asking him to go home and meet him there. Spend a wonderful 2 weeks together. A good friend informed me of a condo for rent that I can use that 2 weeks. I was hoping he will say yes and be given that 2 weeks and maybe then discover what is really there for "us" - and find the end if necessary.....just give it at least the chance.

But how now? Now that I know ther eis someone home waiting for him. Someone who is there before he closes his eyes and when he wakes up everyday. One who is constantly there to touch him and satisfy him. Where would I place myself now. How can I even ask him for that chance, it is like asking him to cheat. And why would he even do it for me?

What hurts too is Jove mentioning all the things he gave her that she returned. I felt a pinch in my heart, some jealousy. I helped him in so many ways before that he has never even tried to pay back, I had his child that I never asked for anything, for me or the child, we never received a thing from him not even a keychain nor the amount to cover his 1 bottle of milk and she gets all those nice gifts from him? I can't even get a phone call or a text from him due to the expense of it which I understood but I am hearing all those gifts from him? She gets gifts for a few months with him and my son and I got ........ nothing? and when I ask for simple things like trivia games I get the run around and excuses?

He does take me for granted clearly, and used me during those times he neeed the money to help him resolve so many things in his life. But now that he gets his own money, it goes to others who can't even meet half of what I have invested in him, emotionally & financilly.

It hurts to know and realize you have been taken for granted, that you have been played. I know of no man with dignity and honor that would set aside anyone who has helped him through especially the one who mothered his child. I can just say now that as much honor as he shows, he really has none. He is good for the one he has in front of him, invest ont he one he chooses to stay and forget the ones who was there for him all along and have sarcificed some to just helped him at the times he needed help. I don't understand how a man with dignity and honor can spend his hard earned money to keep a woman he isn't keeping permanently happy while the mother of his child is trying to figure out where to get their next meal or pay for his hospital bill. Working at the time she wanted to be with her son to have the means to pay for the medical bills. Did he ever asked if I have paid it off all? Does he know I have sold everything I can and borrowed from everyone to manage through this? He would never know for he would never ask. He will not waste his hard earned money to help me, he would need it to keep his women.