I love, they leave (edited & added version)

Tomorrow is my luncheon for my promotion. I will surely shed some tears. I will miss the people I work with especially Barbara. She has been vital to my semi sanity in that office. I will be facing a new world in the other building, one that contains people so hard to please and petty. I look forward to staying in my new office and keeping to myself. My staff seems good people but I have learned not to be too trusting when it comes to new people. At least allow them to earn my trust.

Only trusted one person with anything and everything, inhibition aside. And he seems to be the one who is not stable in my life, and might be gone by now. There are no more reason for him to come back in my life other than if he loves me.

At one point, I felt that love. He used to joke about questioning the meaning of love. He doesn't know he was giving it at one point. I felt and seen it...And I trusted him with it. He doesn't realize when I described love the few times he questioned it that I was describing what he was giving me.

I miss being loved...Maybe I got used to the unconditional love that my son gave me. Now that he is gone, I crave to feel it again - to be love in whatever terms. I felt it from him before so how can I not ask for it again knowing how good it feels?

But wanting and getting it are two different thing. I can't be secure enough to know he even need my love when he gets them all around. How can he miss mine and want it when he receives ample from everyone? He is showered by all kinds of affection that the absence of mine is not noticed - so how can you miss something you do not notice?

And yet..........I need him......Want him......... Crave for him......In a lot of ways.

I need much more help than I thought to get through this.... I finally got my answer as to how I really feel about him. I finally found out his purpose in my life - to keep me "feeling" whether it be happiness, pain, love, jealousy, contentment, resentment etc.......And I had to give him up first before I got to this realization.

I miss my son tonight....cooking fish for dinner made me remember his fondness for fish. He can sit there and eat a whole tilapia and rice. I cooked and fixed the table and I came crawling in my bed to blog. I refuse to hid under my blanket, turn off the lights and cry my eyes out. I have to fight this.

It's been raining hard too. My 2nd day of my period and the sky is crying along with my kikay. What a term for my private part huh? It is a word I picked up from my Aunt long time ago. I gave my sister that as a pet name too when she is being silly and funny. I don't know why I did that. She isn't offended, she even enjoyed being called that.

Maybe all these contributed to my weird mood today. I know I have my moments it I just harder when I am not missing 3 people I love the most. Seem like everyone I love likes to leave me ....

*~*
I edited this blog. I guess when you are being sentimental you don't really realize what you are typing, you just type trying to pour your sentiments all at once not realizing you are typing in error - big time.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I would hate to be in that luncheon and be this way. A lot of people worked hard to make that party a success and I wouldn't want to offend them.

I miss talking to you and sharing with you my days, may it be bad or good. I just realized, mahal kita and damn of me for realizing it now because it is harder to cope without you now, making it harder to let go.