change

Had a long talk with ate fions today. It helped a lot since I am missing his company. We pretty much discussed her ex and the night he came. I sensed her pain as it near the part that they were together. I can understand her. Mostly because I have been there.

I happened to mention about the "meet" in Europe. She is right to point out that he will never change. She knows him enough to know what i already know. She asked me if I believed he wil ever change. I told her I really do not know but maybe, given the right incentive to change, he will.

She also asked me if I think I deserve to be happy. I said "I believe I deserve to be happy at the right time, for the right reason with him."

I have always given in to anything for the purpose of making things easier and bearable for him. I found out through him that on some instances, I made the wrong decision. But how would I to know it was worng when I never knew exactly what it was we had? I knew what I want and need and feel...I never knew his.

I am waiting for the right sign that will make me change my mind to go and be with him. I am waiting to either feel or to know he feels. I will not place myself again in the same situation I was in before. He can't be meeting Gina and then meeting me. He can meet her and be content or realize she isn't it then ask me again. But I will not be with him, love him again, be on the phone with him while he is on his way to another woman, then treat me like I was just another friend he slept with. I can't risk my feelings again - I have no one else to help me get through it.