Holy Crap!

Woke up with a major headache. I remember throwing up last night then another one while I was lying in bed. As I enter the bathroom I smell the stink of puke and I know I must have been really plasttered to not be able to flush the jon after throwing up in there.

With headache and all I remember vividly chatting with him but since it was in the other room's PC, I dont have it logged. Crap! Crap! Crap! I don't remember half of the conversation but damn it I remember having an orgasm to smitheroo.

This is why silence is good between us sometimes, I get to keep some things to myself. I grabbed a beer last night to calm my nerves down thinking I may say something I shouldn't... and I ended up stripping right in front of him. *sigh*

I really don't regret it. Who else can I do that with but him. I will not do that with a total stranger. And havin an orgasm isn't bad, made me feel alive again but then it made me miss sex (or him) more. :( I just wish I wasn't in my pajama and looked a bit better than last night. But it's a good thing anyway, for him to see me the way I am without being in my best.

I am not even sure if it was a dream or I really did tell him I love him. I wish and wish hard I didn't and it was just somehting I was urging to do and didn't do. I can't differentiate what is real.... and what is dream... or what I wanted to do but didn't do when I wake up from drinking.

I will keep busy today helping Nelson move to his new apartment. This guy reminds me of Three's company. He will be moving in with 2 girls, too bad he is gay hehehehe

Hopefully, that will take my mind of worrying if I did tell him I love him. I don't know, I am not really ready to tell him that. It is like something I have left in me that I value. I want it to mean something important to him that I rather not say that to him unless I am sure he will give it importance and value it.

I think he told me he loves me.....not voluntarily of course, after I asked him. I doubt he will ever anyway...he never does to me :(

I know beforehand he kept asking "miss mo ako?" I controlled myself to reply with "Mahal moko?" with that that first time he asked. Second time he asked, my fingers left my sensibility and asked "Mahal moko?" when he didn't reply right away, I figure he will not answer and that question shut him up. So I did say "that settled it" meaning "that shut him up" hehehehe and he said "yes" I took that as "Yes that shut me up"

My stomach is turning... too bad I can't enjoy Nelson's treat, that guy would have been a great female - he cooks wonderfully, but with my stomach being like this I doubt I can eat anything.

My baby, I know you are listening can you please help Mommie?... tell Dad if he really loves Mommie to make me a better person and assure me that he does love me and will always be there for me...Mommie scared that she loves and will give it all again and be hurt...Mommie don't have you anymore to cure the hurt...so please baby help Mommie? I love you and miss you with all my heart...give Mama tons of kisses and hug for me and i kiss you everynight in my sleep...