happy & busy

Currently very happy with the way things are going between Jeremy an I. Been quite busy moving from the old big house to a smaller 2 bedroom townhouse. I have to give away so many stuff in order to be able to get my new place in a descent order. I have complained to Jeremy about a few stuff that I can't fix myself since I can barely hit a nail witha hammer. He was nice enough to offer to help me when he comes back in 3 weeks. I can't wait. :) I told him he can sleep in the other room and he just giggled. He probably thinks he can finally have the chance to sleep with me then. Hah! We'll see. I like this anticipation for sex situation. We both want it bad but we have the same respect to want it at the right time and place. We have come close a few times but we managed to be sensible and rational about it. And yes, it was mutual. This is why I can say he is the one meant for me. We understand ach other so much and if we didn't ave that understanding to give, we have patience to allow time to do it's work for us which couple of times have come through. It is so much different having a relationship with him. We allow time to fall for each other. He isn't quick to tell me he loves me and I am given the time to feel and express it. We are in no restrictions to say it and no assumptions that it will never get there. We care and respect each other so much. It is something good, something wonderful and something I would like to have for the rest of my life.

He left to go back to Tennessee this morning. He promises to return with enough time to spend with me in helping me fix things at my new place. :) I invited him to stay at the condo and I am sure we are both thinking of a wonderful night together by then. It will be the right time - the perfect time - for the right people.

No internet at home yet. I can't transfer my existing cable provider because they don't service the area. I had to sign up for a new provider who can't make my internet work. :(

He will be calling me tonight when he gets there and has quite a few story to tell me. I ca 't wait. By the way, he took a step in advancing this relationship. We have been trying to keep it to ourselves but he finally allowed his co-workers to know, which is really amazing considering he is a very private person.

I am so happy right now. I enjoy this feeling of anticipating, caring, feeling, missing.... I am thankful for being allowed to be happy again. It may not have been the man I wished for with all my heart but at least I got someone if not just like him, better...

I hope H is also happy with his life and has found the right one. It seems like it from reading his blog. It makes it easier for me to move on and be happy knowing he is on his way and that I wasn't wrong to assume it was never me - for once I assumed right. Doesn't seem to feel so bad now to know he never really did love me... whew! am I so glad I never told him about this blog - actually, don't plan on telling J either. This will be for eyes that only reads but knows not to move their lips. I have but few of those.

G,

I am not sure how this got started. I am not able to write everything, but wanted to at least drop you a quick note. She broke up with me last September. She asked me to stop contacting her. I granted her wish. I have not talked to her since last December, and she is gone from my life. I know this. I have been trying to accept this. She doesn't want me in her life anymore, and I am trying to move on. The only way I know to do this is to meet other people. She stopped returning my calls and my email, and she does not live in the same house anymore. I am assuming she went back to her second husband, but I don't know for certain. All I know is she is out of my life. That's all I know for sure.

I did not mean to lead you on. I met you Sunday because I wanted to see you and spend some time with you, however short. I am working 12 hour days out here, and I could not spend the night with you - not because I didn't want to, but because I had to be here. I am under a tremendous amount of pressure to make this system work, and I would not have made love to you and then left. That is not me. I was trying to be a gentleman, as best I knew how. I am sorry if you didn't understand, or if it hurt you. I was just trying to do the right thing.

I am funny. When I fall in love with someone, I never totally fall out of love with them. I still have feelings for her, as I do for every woman I have loved. Even my ex-wife. I am moving on as best i know how. I am sorry if that upsets you, but it is how I am. Just because I still have feelings for her does not mean I am still waiting for her to come back. I know that won't happen.

I am not sure this makes any sense, but I would at least try to explain it better. I will be working here for a few more hours, but if you would like to talk to me, I will wait for your call, or an email. Phone service is not the best out here, so if you would like to send me an email, I will try to call. That might be easier.

Jeremy


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I don't like to call, not because I am being egotistical. It is more of not wanting for him to hear me cry and know how much this bothers me.

I did email him back to tell him it is not sleeping with him nor him having to leave because of his work that hurt me but the fact that "he is not over her yet"

How can I compete with a person who already has his heart? I already shared a man I once with many other women. I stayed and understood because I thought I am the one he will always come to, the one at the end he will be with. The one he will be there for and understand always. The one he will one day allow to hear him say "i love you unconditionally & forever" to. I can't do that again. It didn't work then, all the understanding, flexibility and love I poured into that man wasn't enough for him to recognize that I am worth staying and loving. I can't do that again with this one.

getting over

Jeremy


I am bad at this but I keep remembering our deal and also I owe you atleast to be honest. So allow me to try this.I tremendously appreciate your honesty. As much at it hurts, I really,honestly appreciate it so much.I don't know what happened between the time the you stated you areover her and today when you admited you are not over her yet. Whateverit is, it doesn't really matter. What matter is that it is unfair forher that we keep seeing each other like this.I really like you a lot Jeremy. And I assumed that you are looking forsomeone, maybe the way we met gave me that impression.I am sorry for assuming that if I was wrong.No one can compete with a woman you love and care for. And I am notgood in competition. I will always give up first than experiencelosing. I can't compete with her especially she has quite an edge. Iam just setting myself to get hurt which I am already feeling now.It's crappy...Like what I stated in my e-mail to you before, she must be a greatwoman base on the little information you provided me. I can't faultyou for loving her this much. Any woman will wish for a guy who cangive them exactly that. But it is unfair, and you are setting to hurtanother person, not only her, by doing what you are doing. It isunfair to her. It is unfair to me.I am glad I met you. And I am glad you are the man that you are. Ienjoyed every moment I spent with you. I am sorry I am not the type ofwoman who knows how to fight for what she wants. I am a peacefulperson, I don't like confrontations. I am not good in asking, naggingor prying for answers. I wait for answers to come to me willingly.Today is a good sample why I am not good in any of those. The answersthat I could get can possibly answers I wouldn't like to hear.Just one day of not having you around made me miserable and thissituation is definitely making me more than miserable but I am sure,given some time, things will be ok with me again. I have no other way
I wish you strength and confidence to fix whatever problem you havewith her that resorted to you meeting me. I wouldn\'t want anotherwoman to feel what I am feeling right now. It is terribly awful,Jeremy. I am not mad at you, so please do not think that. I couldnever get upset with you however much I try. I can only try tounderstand your situation to lessen my confusement and hurt.It will be hard for me not to pick up the phone if you call. It willbe hard not to reply to your e-mail. I don\'t want you to feel bad whenI don\'t so maybe, it will be best if you can try not to call or e-mailto help me get over this quicker.Hopefully, me backing off will help you realize things with her. Shemust know how lucky she is to have you.When you are able to sort things through with her, give me a call ifit will not cause a problem between you two. We can at least keepbeing friends. If, that would be alright with you and her.Always keep safe please. And try to have more frequest descent meal.:) and stop doing or saying things just to be nice, you end up hurtingsomeone by keeping the truth away from them in fear that you wouldhurt them with the truth. It hurts worst the longer you hide thetruth.keep well & safe, Jeremy.

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I guess it is good that until the last minute I was able to resist sleeping with him until I find out the truth. Is that enough to ease the pain? NO!

all over again

I can't understand myself. I am doing it all over again. Is it hard for me to have a good intention and not offend every man I care for? I just didn't want to be in his way, disdurb him. Why was it taken the wrong way? What now?

When I thought I couldn't possibly care the same that I cared before... now I am about to ruin it.