sense of peace

I am here, still. A year ago, I was so sure I wouldn't make it to this point. If fate do not do it for me, I had plans to make sure it will happen.

Couple of times I tried, I failed. Made me think, my family was taken from me and I am not allowed to be with them. Something must be wrong with me, I am being punished. I am being kept away from the people I love the most.

Where I am right now is through the help and perseverance of what remains of one I call family and friends. I can't deny he had also helped in some ways to keep me where I am now. Although at one point, not so long ago, he was the reason for me to re-think things all over again.

I have taken a good size step to progress, if I can call it progress. I prayed again since exactly a year ago. The day before LG was taken from me, I prayed hard, with all my might, faith and soul. Exactly a year later, without purpose, I prayed again, hard with all my might, with whatever soul left in me. Do I feel any sense of relief? Were my questions answered? The answer is still no, but somehow I am able to accept. That gave me some sense of peace.

Someone who do not know me and knows nothing about me took a chance to send me an e-mail to tell me things about LG and my Mama. A total strager. With words from my son. Anything unexplained has been hard to accept for me. Who is this woman who knows every little bit of petty information that hardly anyone knows but people around my son and my Mother? What reason do I have to believe or not believe her. It is not the story that makes me wonder, it is the little things that describes him, that he said, the way he said it and his actions. Was my son really communicating to me through her. True or not, whatever it is, it gave me some sense of peace.

today...

went to church.....
....searched for YOU in my heart
cried internally....
....discovered I didn't lose YOU
realized I still need YOU...
... found out there is no reason nor explanation
accepted it...

today I set my soul free.....back to YOU

Momma I love you and you must love me so much to help still be there for me. Keep him craddled in your protective arms as you kept me safe - always!

finally

the truth...that explains it all. I want to die. But taht would make him happy. It is what he wants I know. What have I done to this man to deserve this what has his own son done to him? All thsi time he was doubting he is the father - he could have just told me and the times I asked him if he has doubts he lied to me..........i ahve nothing more really nothing more. why is he like this why????

he called me a whore - i deserve to lose my son because I was whoring around. Where will he get this idea when I never even had the time to do anything else but care for my sick child???

I ahve nothing else and all that time i believed in him, i believed in nothing he never really cared never really believed he is his won blood. all those time....all for nothing....so this is why I should believe in GOd because of all these never ending things I supposedly deserve? if i deserve everything that happens to me death isnt what i deserve since I cant seem to get it.

the evilness

I hate that he does things discreetly, no names no straight mention. You are left guessing. Why else is it done that way but because of embarrassment. Is it so embarrassing to greet your own blood ?

Why is he this way? Why is he so embarrass to be known to say things meant for someone. It is always done in a vague way that you can't possibly think it is for you or for someone specific. He has lied to so many and said so many different things that anything he says is not addressed to someone specific - no names. He doens't even know it gives it less value. Who in their right mind would think it is for them and admit that they assumed it is - and if not to look like a fool? So what value would any words have if it is for everyone?

He has so much tricks, so much game to play. It is tiring and sickening. It would kill him to be direct because it means you will hold to the word he drops if he directs it to one specific person. And yes - that would mean responsibility and he has none. He doesn't want to be responsible. He can be but he chooses not to be - because he is a coward.

He plays with his words. It is good only when it is to his advantage. He is the meaning of the word despicable in my vocabulary. More and more .... I am learning to hate him because everyday I see the evilness he discreetly scatters. Why did I love an evilness like him? A pity that I did. A total waste of a big part of my life that I could have devoted for something else. If not for him I could have had a good stable life now and being happy. He is a total waste of everything I spent on him in my life and he could care less for that is what he is. One who cares for nothing and for no one but himself. What would make him happy, what would give him more and who he can benefit the most. You are good only until he can benefit from you, sex, money, time, things....and when you have nothing & you start questioning or asking for more- he leaves you on your own to handle whatever mess he left you with. and to him - he owes you nothing even ignoring that fact that what you gave him cost you so much, your sacrifices meant nothing, all that matters is what he gained and will gain and if you nothing to give anymore - goodbye liek you never existed.

new friend

Current Events: the blogkadahan site is up and running and it is my turn Tuesday to post. What will I post? I am being edged to post in Tagalog and as much trying with all my might that I did, I ended up with a botched up Tagalog post. So it ended up being in english. My sudden predicament right now is finding out the blog of the blogkadahan member who just posted right now. His post in blogkadahan made me check his site and boy! am having second thought with what I have ready to post there.

Ate fions is not around to help me out and to give me direct non partial advice. I do however met someone who I am starting to value the opinion more and more. His name is Thomas. So far, I find him very descent and smart. He lacks a bit of confidence in writing but I find his writting stimulating. It grabs attention and it is sensible. But it doesn't matter how many people say that to him, until he really realize he is good, it won't convince him otherwise.

I find it fascinating that we have so much in common. Maybe that is why it is easy to converse with him and I look forward to his e-mails everyday. I don't want him to feel obligated in writing or responding all the time or right away but I can't help respond to his interesting emails all the time and the minute I read them.

See, I come across people worth knowing in the most peculiar times. Those are the people I end up being good friends with. And yes, if he is single, even flirting is the last thing on my mind right now, I would probably would have considered it. I just have this thing of not wanting tobe a cause of any problem whatsoever in any way shape or form as much as I could help it so the communication has been pure exchange of stories and information. I doubt I will turn it into anything more knowing myself. I am excited to be building a new frienship with this man though. He seems to be a true man - in thue essence of the word and in genetics.

Let's see what he says about my concerns.

Woke up sore today due to the free whole body massage I got from Gracey's clinic yesterday. She said I need it badly. Hah! I need more than a massage. I am need of total mind peace. I aso started my period which is a pest considering it is early. Unexpected period bothers me because it is messy and it ruins my nice Victoria Secret undies.

am starting to feel a bit hungry. Didn't have any meals for the past 2 days and had Filipino b'fast today consisting of fried dried fish, rice and tomatoes. It was wonderful. Nanay is back from Philippines so of course, Gracey is having stress attack again due to her mom being the way she is. :)

.....

a Bastard in his own right.

it takes a good friend to do this entry. I have been in a roller coaster again the past week. Celebrating a birthday with no birthday celebrant, wrapping a gift with no one to give it to. Realizing he forgot his son - AGAIN!

Everything seemed to have piled up all at the same week. His gf texting me asking for his e-mail address and when I responded to her giving his work email I cc'd the email to him too. What did I get? I was accused of feeding her information. Information taht she wouldn't admit where she got. Funny, didn't I just CC'd him with the response I gave her so how can he not know it came from me. I didn't even have to inform him of that, but I did to show him in my own little way that I am not hiding anything. The day he accudes me... the day our son was born. Perfect timing? I have a feeling he does this purposely. Reason? To just plain hurt me, get me back for some unknown reason. I must have been such an awful person to this man that even our own son has to suffer his revenge, even in his grave. I resent him on days I miss my LG. He somehow has to carry the burden of my anger but I do it in silence within myself. I need him because he has to take my emotions and my sentiments - but other than that, I couldn't care less anymore. He has put me through enough and too much. And for what? Because I onced loved him? Is that enough to hate me and punish me as long as I breath?

A liar he is telling my sister to urge me to go to his country during the time he was there for a vacation. My sister believing him. She didn't even know what I know, that he has invited 2 other women to go there to be with him? Does he really think I am always that naive? That stupid? That gullible to always fall for his tricks on women? The time when he will not be greedy and selfish towards me will never come - he will kill himself first. And how I wish he would be half of a man he claims to be and do kill himself.

The texting and the calling of the gf was frequent and bad enough to make me feel sorry for her. At the end, she claims to have been dumped by him - reason : She isn't smart. What a pot of crap that is for so many smart women has gone through in and out of his life and never did he give due respect to any of them - aahhh! any of US!

He will forever be what he is - more than a woman but less than a MAN!

Do I still even hope that he will remember LG on his death anniversay? - like I said, I am not that gullible nor that stupid.

I used to wish better things for him for he deserves the best. I have always said that to all friends & family. As a matter of fact, I just said that to ate fions when I was stupidly worrying about him 2 weeks ago. But after going through Feb 22nd alone without a word from him to even ask how I am surviving that day nor a reply to any of my Valentine's Day greetings - I knew once an asshole will always be an asshole. Thank you Harold for being such because it makes my son's passing easier to accept than him growing up knowing he has a father like you. Saved him from feeling being punish for giving a parent such as you! but ahh I forgot, you were never a parent to begin with. Untilt he end, you chose to be fucking a girl than to pick up a non stop calls and text messages sent to you regarding your sick son. Bastard- yes that is what you are - that is what you made my son.