Exhausted & drained...



As I stop and pull back from my office chair last night at 6pm, I realized I have so many things going on in my life that is emotionally taxing and draining. Add to that is the question floating in my head if I really am in any relationship at all.

Projects left and right that I am spear heading that I have no clue how it landed on my lap. There are so many others who can do these projects, why do I always end up with them. Why is the fact that I am the one who is managing the most department and has the most staff to take care of, being forgotten everytime a new job has to be done? I have asked this from Admin after being handed my 5th project for the past month. The answer I got was "Because youa re the only reliable and sensible one amongst the 3 of you" I could take that as a compliment if this will give me more money or a higher position and it will not affect my original and current assignment and tasks. But it does and it is exhausting. I have a new place and yet I haven't even been home in a decent hour to enjoy it. My weekend is partly updating and researching for work. If I didn't put my foot down and ignored the last project sitting on my antique dining table, I would have never finished painting the kitchen. I haven't been cooking. I haven't had the pleasure to enjoy my oven, bake cakes, goodies, loaf of bread or bundt. Not even my regular bread maker has been plugged and used since I moved here. I long for the smell of newly baked bread and my cooking. Who to feed? myself???... I don't care as long as I am able to be in he kitchen again to enjoy doing things that relaxes me. I miss cooking & baking... I miss taking care of someone. I used to have my child, then my sister. Thought I will have someone to make me feel needed again but... I guess I am really alone.

Boyfriend... do I even have one? I don't remember making any plans yet that haven't been ruined by his work. I can't get upset although inside I feel awful. I feel guilty at the same time for feeling this way, for questioning "if he likes me so much why can't work come second sometimes? I am not asking for all the time, just sometimes."

To avoid paying attention or giving notice to this I keep myself buried at work. And when at home, doing as much as I could to keep me moving until I have to shut my eye. Even while talking to him on the phone every night, I am moving, polishing, mopping, painting, unscrewing nuts & bolts, changing bulbs. Always something. I give myself reason to justify him not being able to see or be with me. I can't get upset with him, I can't show him how much it bothers me that he wasn't able to show up again. And then what? He will be here when it is not planned or unexpected again and I will not be ready. For crying out loud, how long have I been dating this guy? 5 months? and we haven't even passed first base. It is not much about sex, it is really not. It is just feeling back in the same cycle again. What is the difference between him and H? Only that work he places before me, H placed all and every other women who stirred his hormones before me.

I had that same dream again the other night. Same old dream that ends with the white sheet in front of him. With him trying to say something to me but with no words. I used to wake up with a clenched fist and heavy breathing. This time, I woke up feeling like I died and got my breath back, gasping for air.

I should really learn to put him out of my thoughts. But how can you really do something like that to the man who gave you half of your life? Part of me wishing to have that again, maybe to be given what was taken from me - LG. But then part of me demands I accept the reality it will never, ever be. He has closed that chapter and he already proved, shown and said what I was and have been and meant to him, even his own child. I only pity him for not accepting in his heart his child who has loved him unconditionally even without setting his eyes on him or feeling the touch of his skin. It is a love that an innocent child gave his father - the blood of his blood and flesh of his flesh. I pity him for being deprived that love... for missing the greatest love that can be given to him. Hopefully he will be given that chance again as he pursue a new phase in is life - it is about time and I wish him all the good graces and happiness. May he learn from the little he had with LG and what God allowed him to taste. May he use that as a tool to make things better for the coming one. It is time for him to experience what life is all about. Not just with another soul to be with but the precious life that stems from the unity and bondage created and fuled by love. May it be greater now for it will be stemming from both and not just one heart.

All has past and all has been done. All has been forgiven and now should be let go. At moments like this, I just can't help missing my son. And remembering him can't seem to be just him. HE always accompany my thoughts of LG. How long would this have to be? If I can stop loving him, how long before I stop remembering him, thinking about him or even caring about him? I need help and even Jeremy is not capable of doing it. Would I ever meet a soul who can beat HIS memory?