pain

his birthday is coming soon. must be why I am liek this for the past few days. just feeling down, depressed somehow. I can't function properly at work, it is even hard to get up.

missing you bad my darling...so bad...i am aching to feel you, to smell you, to hear you say Mommie...i am aching for you to hold me.......

V Day

it's that day already in a few more minutes... what is in store for me? work... I plan to bury myself with work to not even be reminded of the day that he will not even remember me with...

i miss him...on days like this, I seem to only have him attached to it... maybe for the rest of my life it will be him that will come up to my mind during this time. why? maybe because he gave me the best thing ever in my life....

Happy Heart Day to him ... and to me.

love of my life

my life....

cancelled date

how do you say "I am on my period, heaving a headache, in a crappy mood and not in the mood for any company."?

That is what I feel exactly when I woke up that I had a hard time figuring out how to cancel a date. Maybe I am feeling guilty since it seems like an excuse to back out but I really started my period today and in a crappy mood.

Hours later, hour nearing still I have no guts to call and cancel. At about 4pm my cell rings and his caller ID appeared. I have but 4 rings to think quickly. Byt the 3rd ring I picked it up.

N:"Hi ..."
N:"Uhmm, I was wondering if we could do a rain check on tonight"
G:"Oh! I was about to call you regarding that."
N:"Really? How come?"
G:"No you first...what's up?"
N:"Would you set another date again with me? It's just that..."
G: I giggled "Depends..."
N:"I am sorry, I was really looking forward to tonight, I just can't get out of this one"
I don't want him to feel obligated to even give me a reason why so
G:"Don't worry about it. I was really about to call to cancel, I am not feeling all too well."
N:"Are you alright? What's wrong?"
G:"Female stuff" and I laughed
N:I heard him giggle "That time huh? My sister goes through that and you can't make her move out of her room."
G:"Yeah, silly huh?"
N:"Not at all, it's part of it."
G:"Part of what?"
N:"Female cycle, I guess."I can sense him being embarrassed"
G:I laughed "Thank you for understanding"
N:"I am really sorry to miss it today but seems like both of us can't make it. My Mom needed to be taken to my sister in San Bernardino and she has to be there by tonight."
G:"Don't feel bad, it's your Mom, you have to set your priority. I would look at you different anyways if I found out later you didn't drive her because of a date. Won't sit right with me."
N:"Oh so I am scoring a point by cancelling..." I heard the change in his tone
G:"Is there a game that you need to score some points?"
N:"Uhmm..."
G:"Breath N...I am just teasin, you better get ready if you are driving to San Bernardino"
N:"Are we able to set another date?"
G:"We can talk about that next time. You should get ready."
N:"We cn settle the date later, may I just know if you will consider setting another date...please?"
G:"I don't have any reason not to, especially since you placed your mother ahead of a date."
N:"I will call you another time, we can talk"
G:"Sure! You drive carefully."
N:"Bye G...you feel better."
G:"Thanks! Talk to you later."
N:"Bye G"

and then .....I was breathing better....

today

went to meet ate gigi, Jay and his wife Jet. I had a very nice time. I also got to see the SPiderman toy featured in Jay's other blog site They are wonderful people. I have added new people on my friends list.

My throat is a bit sore, ormaybe I am finding an excuse to not go forward with my date tomorrow? Maybe....but then again, what reason could there be for not wanting to go? Scared of finding him to be a good possibility to commit with? Because then, I will have to commit. But isn't that what I want? Stable life...settling down...simple, happy family life with a man who will respect & love me as much as I respect and love him.

Who can be the one to need me while he loves me. Most find it hard to need, others to love. I crave for both.

biking on 2 wheels

well... it's official .... going on my first serious date Sunday...it is going to be riding a bike without the training wheels...

i am not scared not nervous, unsure maybe...but like ate fiona said how will I be able to if I don't even try"seriously"

I am just scared for what i will put this guy through if ever it turned out I am not ready nor sure this is what I really want.

I want to get to point C but then I don't want to pass point B ...not even take the step to leave point A - I don't know how to move and get there - I want a solid back to lean on, one taht will be there for meno matter what and will hold my hands at times I needed to be held, to be protected.

it has to be the one to admit they need me more than I need him and he loves me because I need him...

a big step...

chaos

Maybe it is too naive of me to think that people in chat will be civilized. It is a mixture of breed, culture and upbringing. Maybe that is what makes it interesting, the occasional degradation or offense that sparks the group, it is like the ripple that causes the still water to move. But then again, maybe I am just really diferent, one who do not understand what is really worth placing yourself so low. Maybe anger....ah yeas, been angry, lost sensibility and made rational decision.

I am no fool to believe everything I hear, I form my own opinion when forced to otherwise, I listen and give bits and pieces of what comes from my own perception - which is my born right to do.

Interesting fact about gossip is that it is a collection of little things put together that becomes too powerful to ignore. It i snot just one person, the one you think said the last word - it is an accumulative of people. Some who pointlessly just gossipped, others were innocent querries that got formed to an opinion. Nevertheless, it is not one person for it can't be gossip if it was only the last person to spread it. It entails a whole group contributing, some innocently and some purposely. WHich is which I do not care to know for the only solution to a situation that isbeyond your control is to control your end. You can change your side not theirs. You can't make them stop gossiping but you can stop hearing.

It's not worth it...the time...the emotion nor the effort....

Negative things shouldn't be given importance for they will tend to grow if given attention. Ignore it and it shall die. Now, do I wish to impart this on people who are victims and being affected? Unsolicited help I shall never give, I learn my lesson ... long time ago..and I shall NEVER do it again....

at times...

that I rather not think......
that I don't want to feel.....
that I care not to see...
that I prefer not to listen....

....he still can make me think, feel, see and listen.........

it shall be what it will be, without any help from me. I resign myself to the fate that be with no trust to anyone not even to myself.

my lips lie ...my heart speaks the truth and yet my brain runs when it shoul.

I shall let it be... without any help from me~

/lovey/