Holy Crap!

Woke up with a major headache. I remember throwing up last night then another one while I was lying in bed. As I enter the bathroom I smell the stink of puke and I know I must have been really plasttered to not be able to flush the jon after throwing up in there.

With headache and all I remember vividly chatting with him but since it was in the other room's PC, I dont have it logged. Crap! Crap! Crap! I don't remember half of the conversation but damn it I remember having an orgasm to smitheroo.

This is why silence is good between us sometimes, I get to keep some things to myself. I grabbed a beer last night to calm my nerves down thinking I may say something I shouldn't... and I ended up stripping right in front of him. *sigh*

I really don't regret it. Who else can I do that with but him. I will not do that with a total stranger. And havin an orgasm isn't bad, made me feel alive again but then it made me miss sex (or him) more. :( I just wish I wasn't in my pajama and looked a bit better than last night. But it's a good thing anyway, for him to see me the way I am without being in my best.

I am not even sure if it was a dream or I really did tell him I love him. I wish and wish hard I didn't and it was just somehting I was urging to do and didn't do. I can't differentiate what is real.... and what is dream... or what I wanted to do but didn't do when I wake up from drinking.

I will keep busy today helping Nelson move to his new apartment. This guy reminds me of Three's company. He will be moving in with 2 girls, too bad he is gay hehehehe

Hopefully, that will take my mind of worrying if I did tell him I love him. I don't know, I am not really ready to tell him that. It is like something I have left in me that I value. I want it to mean something important to him that I rather not say that to him unless I am sure he will give it importance and value it.

I think he told me he loves me.....not voluntarily of course, after I asked him. I doubt he will ever anyway...he never does to me :(

I know beforehand he kept asking "miss mo ako?" I controlled myself to reply with "Mahal moko?" with that that first time he asked. Second time he asked, my fingers left my sensibility and asked "Mahal moko?" when he didn't reply right away, I figure he will not answer and that question shut him up. So I did say "that settled it" meaning "that shut him up" hehehehe and he said "yes" I took that as "Yes that shut me up"

My stomach is turning... too bad I can't enjoy Nelson's treat, that guy would have been a great female - he cooks wonderfully, but with my stomach being like this I doubt I can eat anything.

My baby, I know you are listening can you please help Mommie?... tell Dad if he really loves Mommie to make me a better person and assure me that he does love me and will always be there for me...Mommie scared that she loves and will give it all again and be hurt...Mommie don't have you anymore to cure the hurt...so please baby help Mommie? I love you and miss you with all my heart...give Mama tons of kisses and hug for me and i kiss you everynight in my sleep...

Again...and again...and again....

My cell phone rings while driving home. I checked the number and it said "Jove" I didn't pick up. It rang for a while so she intend to get hold of me. "What now..." I thought."I will not answer you, it's better off this way for me." I went on driving until I got home. Couple of beeps on ym cell but I ignored it since I know if it is an emergency my cell phone would ring and i have specific ring tones for every member of my family and friends, including H.

After getting things done, changing clothes and checking my e-mail, I looked for my cell to text ate Fions that I am online. "3 Messages and 2 Missed Calls" says on my screen. I cleared my missed calls and went to my messages. One was from Catholic.Org, another from Barb and then....

"Hi Lovey.We don't have any relationship now.One of my frnds saw H with a girl.I dnt knw wat 2do."

As much as I promised not to ever reply to any of her mesages or call, I felt bad for her. That feeling is no stranger to me and I know how much she must be hurting. Problem with me is I never harbor any ill feelings with any of his women. Maybe because I know how it will end up. It is going to end up all the same, just like my relationship with him. It is always good at first and then pain.....

"I can't meddle in your relationship with him but if you love him you will accept him for what he is.Im sorry you are in that situation."

"I stil love him but I cant accept if he hav someone.I'm leaving in January I will not come bak here in Bahrain"

"I dont know what to tell u.You love him yet u dnt know him very well if u think there's only u. U accept him 4 what he is or let it be. I warned him about playing w/emotions"

"I didn't play H Even if I have many sotors. God knows how much I love him."

I didn't reply anymore....

I got more irritated. Does this girl read & understand or is she in such an emotional stress she misread what I text her? I have always been irritated with the fact that H takes any girl that comes his way, smart or not. He can choose smarter and more educated ones and he seems to not bother choosing. I have always placed him on high regards that he deserves (I think) women who is close to his level (if not the same) in intelligence. I seem to keep thinking it is not just sex, there should be some intelligent conversation in there to happen. If he can attract a gal like me, he has the capability to attract a much better person than I am and yet he keeps grabbing anyone - even those who can't spell right or read right! I am not placing anyone down. When it comes to him, even I myself do not feel I am the best for him. All I am implying here is that he is worth a better woman than what he gets most of the time.

I didn't have time to think rationally. I called him to give him a piece of my mind. No answer. I tried again and again. It makes me more upset that he will not take my calls. I text him.

"Whoever is that gal with you send her home and answer my calls!"

"message sent to H" .... "oh ow!" I thought. Did I really do that? I checked my sent messages. It got sent. This is wrong, I thought. I have been doing really good able to stand the urge of calling and messaging him since he never replied to my last one. I took that as a sign that he don't want to communicate with or else an e-mail would have been sent or a yahoo offline msg in reply to that text if he didnt have the load to reply.

Dad noticed my face as I stare at my cell phone.

"Bakit?"

"H is at it again, his gf is crying, found him with another girl. Why is he like this, no consideration for a woman's feelings. He should be a better person than this."

"Nagseselos ka lang." and he laughs at me

"If I will get jealous it will over a woman who I think exceeds me, far better than me!"

"Oh di amen ka din. Tell him how you feel and see what he does. Kung pareho ko yan kiligin ako na galit ka about this"

"Goodness! You men are all the same! Why are you like this?!" and I went to my room and locked my door, face all wrinkled and frustrated.

*~*

I keep getting miss calls from her and 2 other number which when I try calling will not go through since it is missing the last digit. It is registering in my cell phone as +9733910300 and +9733913117. Her number is +97339131175

"Whos number is +9733910300 and +9733913117? I am getting misscalls fr these #s, are they yours?"

"9131175 is my number. Can u check again d other no 910300 one is missing."

before I can even reply she sent me another one.

"How did you tex me if u dnt knw my complete no"

I didn't reply anymore....it will just frustrate me more that she doesn't read properly.

Throughout the night I kept trying to call him. And sometimes with so much frustration I sent text messages that I am sure will probably pissed him off. Unless he find humor in all of these like Dad did. I don't....

*~*

this morning, a text message

"Im sorry about missing ur call...I normally leave home my fone especially in times like this...Im really sorry. What happened? ur angel back?"

I know the situation he is talking about: avoiding Jove's call. And repeating his apology with a strong emphasis that he is really sorry made me feel like a crap for being a bitch but I can't make him think I don't have feelings and do the same thing I used to do before where I just let it be and ignore things. As much as my intention was good, my jealousy got the best of me for him having a new woman again. I started dialing but then I thought about it. I don't want him to get a hint of my jealousy. He can't know that I finally realized I still love him. He can sense that and can twist talk me into saying that if I talk to him over the phone so I decided to text him back.

"At times like what?when u have a new gf with u?Talk to ur gf.Ifeel bad 4 her.shes been texting and calling me abt ur new gal.shes miserable"

"Oh please do not reply anymore. I don't want to make it worst for me."

......good thing he didn't.

Now if he doesn't make any move to talk to me ...I will just let it be again. At least that would save me for ever making a mistake in letting him know that he will probably the last man I love and will ever love. Yup! I am following my Mother's footsteps, being here til I die for one man who might possibly notice me and give me that love due to me when I'm wrinkled and in death bed. Yup! I can see myself in that situation. See what my Mother taught me, and maybe years wil goon with people gossiping how tanga I am for loving this way like how they gossiped about my Mom.

Que horror!

my angel is back.... :)

mising everything that matters....
...no thoughts just ....feelings... time passes by so slow....

missing angel

my flying angel is missing :( I wonder why.... I don't know how to fix it and he isn't around :(

May You Always Feel Loved

Got this from him this morning. When I opened it, it said that it was sent 16 minutes ago. 16 minutes before I read that letter I just woke up and had that same dream. There was something different though, when I was dreaming and at the last part where he was trying to tell me something and I couldn't hear him, I suddenly realized he was saying something in tagalog but still I can't figure out what, it just a weird feeling that I know it is tagalog and not english. Weird huh?... *sigh* oh well...

I text him thanking him for this poem that he sent and added to asked if he meant to say then that he miss me....no answer....so hours later I text him again saying that i hope he is just being a brat for not answering and not that he doesn't miss me. He must miss me though hehehe or why bother to even send me anything when he could have just enjoyed my absence. He better not make a mistake of asking me if I miss him ...because I will gather enough guts to ask him "Mahal mo ako?" and face the answer whatever it will be. It will either end it all or start it all....

May You Always Feel Loved

May you find serenity and tranquility
in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known
and the conflict you have experienced
give you the strength to walk through life
facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those
whose love and understanding will always be there,
even when you feel most alone.

May a kind word,
a reassuring touch,
and a warm smile
be yours every day of your life,
and may you give these gifts
as well as receive them.

May the teachings of those you admire
become part of you,
so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched
and who have touched yours
are always a part of you,
even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.
It is the content of the encounter
that is more important than its form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters,
but instead place immeasurable value
on the goodness in your heart.
Find time in each day to see beauty and love
in the world around you.

Realize that what you feel you lack in one regard
you may be more than compensated for in another.
What you feel you lack in the present
may become one of your strengths in the future.
May you see your future
as one filled with promise and possibility.
Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength
to determine your own worth by yourself,
and not be dependent
on another's judgment of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.

I love, they leave (edited & added version)

Tomorrow is my luncheon for my promotion. I will surely shed some tears. I will miss the people I work with especially Barbara. She has been vital to my semi sanity in that office. I will be facing a new world in the other building, one that contains people so hard to please and petty. I look forward to staying in my new office and keeping to myself. My staff seems good people but I have learned not to be too trusting when it comes to new people. At least allow them to earn my trust.

Only trusted one person with anything and everything, inhibition aside. And he seems to be the one who is not stable in my life, and might be gone by now. There are no more reason for him to come back in my life other than if he loves me.

At one point, I felt that love. He used to joke about questioning the meaning of love. He doesn't know he was giving it at one point. I felt and seen it...And I trusted him with it. He doesn't realize when I described love the few times he questioned it that I was describing what he was giving me.

I miss being loved...Maybe I got used to the unconditional love that my son gave me. Now that he is gone, I crave to feel it again - to be love in whatever terms. I felt it from him before so how can I not ask for it again knowing how good it feels?

But wanting and getting it are two different thing. I can't be secure enough to know he even need my love when he gets them all around. How can he miss mine and want it when he receives ample from everyone? He is showered by all kinds of affection that the absence of mine is not noticed - so how can you miss something you do not notice?

And yet..........I need him......Want him......... Crave for him......In a lot of ways.

I need much more help than I thought to get through this.... I finally got my answer as to how I really feel about him. I finally found out his purpose in my life - to keep me "feeling" whether it be happiness, pain, love, jealousy, contentment, resentment etc.......And I had to give him up first before I got to this realization.

I miss my son tonight....cooking fish for dinner made me remember his fondness for fish. He can sit there and eat a whole tilapia and rice. I cooked and fixed the table and I came crawling in my bed to blog. I refuse to hid under my blanket, turn off the lights and cry my eyes out. I have to fight this.

It's been raining hard too. My 2nd day of my period and the sky is crying along with my kikay. What a term for my private part huh? It is a word I picked up from my Aunt long time ago. I gave my sister that as a pet name too when she is being silly and funny. I don't know why I did that. She isn't offended, she even enjoyed being called that.

Maybe all these contributed to my weird mood today. I know I have my moments it I just harder when I am not missing 3 people I love the most. Seem like everyone I love likes to leave me ....

*~*
I edited this blog. I guess when you are being sentimental you don't really realize what you are typing, you just type trying to pour your sentiments all at once not realizing you are typing in error - big time.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I would hate to be in that luncheon and be this way. A lot of people worked hard to make that party a success and I wouldn't want to offend them.

I miss talking to you and sharing with you my days, may it be bad or good. I just realized, mahal kita and damn of me for realizing it now because it is harder to cope without you now, making it harder to let go.

today

very tired from work...didn't sleep well last night. I got home and cooked pork chop for us. Dad enjoyed it but i didn't feel like eating again but I had to force myself since Dad will be making a big deal out of it again. I stopped taking my blood pressure medicine too.

Ate fiona's text kept me company while cooking, taking my mind off tinking about other stuff but in between I still thought about him.

I can'thelp myself and talked to ate fions. I dont want to keep logs fearing my sister will see it. This blog is safe for her and when I start feeling the way I am feeling now, i think I should just always read what ate fions and i talked about:


mi_lovey: you didnt show up for dinner there are still leftover pork chops
coldfiona: dcc send it to me
mi_lovey: lol
coldfiona: he's online but he's not saying anything
mi_lovey: must be working
mi_lovey: i brought home work too
coldfiona: wow
coldfiona: when's ur party?
mi_lovey: uhmm the luncheon is Wednesday the after work cocktail is Friday
coldfiona: wow... 2 parties in a week!
mi_lovey: i guess it is bec the luncheon is for everyone
mi_lovey: its like a free lunch thrown by management
mi_lovey: the cocktail is with fee
coldfiona: ahhh
coldfiona: is gracey attending?
mi_lovey: they paid $25 per head
mi_lovey: yeah she is and her friend babr
mi_lovey: barb*
coldfiona: is that pinoy asshole attending too?
coldfiona:
mi_lovey: hehehe the luncheon he is but he is too cheap to pay for the cocktail
mi_lovey: he said he will be working out that night
mi_lovey: ahuh!
mi_lovey: i didnt care
mi_lovey: but the other gals were planning to get him that friday
coldfiona: he should stay at the gym... so there would be one less asshole at the party
mi_lovey: sit him in one table surrounded by all the women he dated and pissed off
mi_lovey: man ate fions
mi_lovey: today i had this case
mi_lovey: pinoy
coldfiona: what abt?
mi_lovey: and he was stalking and raping 15 year olds
mi_lovey: he got caught finally
coldfiona: what?? for real???
mi_lovey: he is short
mi_lovey: not bad looking
mi_lovey: but when i was interviewing him
coldfiona: baka si Gel yan!!
mi_lovey: he was giving me the details of his crime
mi_lovey: its sick
mi_lovey: lol
coldfiona: how old is the guy?
coldfiona: how long has he been doing that?
mi_lovey: he lieved 1 year in virginia
mi_lovey: then 4 years here
mi_lovey: he said right after he got his car which was a year and a half ago
coldfiona: baka si Mark yan!!!
mi_lovey: lol
mi_lovey: naahhh
mi_lovey: he is dark short with a mole on the lower rt cheek
mi_lovey: i cant rem his name
mi_lovey: but his first name is Mark
mi_lovey: the last name i cant rem its a weird one
coldfiona: ahhh... Mark is fairer and doesnt have a mole
mi_lovey: he said he is attracted to teenagers
mi_lovey: here even consentual it is illegal to have sex with any girl under 18
mi_lovey: you can go to prison
coldfiona: yup... statutory rape
mi_lovey: esp if the parents of the girl complains
coldfiona: how was he caught?
mi_lovey: the gf
mi_lovey: who jsut turned 18
mi_lovey: told him
mi_lovey: bec this guy is stupid
mi_lovey: he started following and stalking her younger sister
mi_lovey: she would follow her to school and kulit her to ride with him
coldfiona: gago talaga
mi_lovey: but see
mi_lovey: before that
mi_lovey: he already raped 6 gals
mi_lovey: 15 and under
mi_lovey: he even took their undie
mi_lovey: home with him
mi_lovey: then he told me
coldfiona: yuck
coldfiona: sick!!
mi_lovey: he would masturbate on that
mi_lovey: and throw it away
mi_lovey: i asked him if he did that in the Philippines
mi_lovey: he said he doesnt need to stalk any girls there
mi_lovey: they come to him willingly
mi_lovey: here he said
mi_lovey: its hard to get them
mi_lovey: bec they look at him an dhe looks older
mi_lovey: and ugly
mi_lovey: but he isnt ugly
mi_lovey: i dont know why he think he is
mi_lovey: but he is 27 years old
coldfiona: how tall is he?
mi_lovey: uhmm 5'2 i think at the most
mi_lovey: but well built
coldfiona: he's pandak!!!
coldfiona: ano work nya?
coldfiona: nurse?
mi_lovey: nope'he is a game tester
mi_lovey: for some game company
coldfiona: ohh IT
mi_lovey: might be
mi_lovey: he said game tester
mi_lovey: ate fions?
coldfiona: like beta testers i guess
coldfiona: yup?
mi_lovey: i have a question
coldfiona: sure
mi_lovey: if you rather not answer its ok
mi_lovey: i'll understand
coldfiona: ok
mi_lovey: do you miss mark?
coldfiona: sometimes i do... sometimes i miss the way he treated me
coldfiona: he always made me feel loved and desired
mi_lovey: if...lets say knowing he is the way he is... but knowing he will love you in his own way..even he is married...if given the chance would you go back to him?
coldfiona: but whenever i remember how he deliberately made a fool of me, how he played me i start to get angry
coldfiona: what for G?
coldfiona: i want to get married someday and i dont think i could take my hubby fooling around w/ someone even if it's just cyber
mi_lovey: you ownt give in for he chance to be happy?
mi_lovey: and feel the way you used to feel?
mi_lovey: loved and desired?
coldfiona: at whose expense?
coldfiona: the wife and kids?
mi_lovey: but you will be happy
mi_lovey: dont you deserve to be happy?
coldfiona: only for a short time... temporary insanity
coldfiona: i think i've done that already... my temporary insanity... just recently remember?
coldfiona: i do not savor doing it again
mi_lovey: uhmm
coldfiona: i want to be married someday and i always think that the same thing could happen to me too
coldfiona: why do you ask these things?
mi_lovey: i
mi_lovey: huhmm
mi_lovey: i miss harold
mi_lovey: and im wondering what if we give it another try knowing he is the way he is but also knowing he loves me (that is if he does and tell me so)
mi_lovey: you know
mi_lovey: starting another relatinship
mi_lovey: with another man who you know nothing about
mi_lovey: then learning to adjust to each other again
mi_lovey: i could skip that with harold
mi_lovey: and if i dont love him why do i miss him?
mi_lovey: you see before ate fions, knowing he loves me, all these girlets didnt matter
mi_lovey: i was so sure no matter how many gfs or girlet he may have, he loves me and would always be his priority
mi_lovey: i was secure then
mi_lovey: i want that feelinagain...to be secure that im loved
coldfiona: hmmmmmmm
mi_lovey: no mater what i am it
mi_lovey: ewan ate fions
mi_lovey: maybe i am just PMSing
mi_lovey: i get melodramatic on days like this
coldfiona: your happiness will be temporary,,, your relationship would bring you heartaches and sakit ng ulo
coldfiona: how sure are you that he loves you? how sure are you he knows the meaning of love in the first place?
coldfiona: i was happy w/ Mark before I knew he was married and his wife was pregnant... I was happy w/ the illusion that we would end up together... but the reality is it will never happen
coldfiona: i can not fool myself to think that i would be happy with him in this situation
coldfiona: puro cyber na lang ba? puro online? he will never give me what i want and what i need
mi_lovey: i do not know that he loves me but i know if he tells me he does I will believe him - its as simple as that bec he will never tell me so to just play me, he is way too egotistical for that
coldfiona: i have to think of what's best for me
coldfiona: but he also tells his other women he loves them
coldfiona: gina for example
mi_lovey: that is the thing ate fions
mi_lovey: brb
coldfiona: ok
mi_lovey: sorry ate fions
mi_lovey: but as I was about to say - that is the thing...he can say it to all his gf and girlets that he loves them but he can never, even as a joke tell me that he loves me
mi_lovey: arrghh! hold on dad is calling again
mi_lovey: sorry
coldfiona: wb
mi_lovey: dad said he heard something in the sheds
mi_lovey: thank you
coldfiona: hehehe
mi_lovey: wala naman tao
mi_lovey: maybe the neighbors cats
coldfiona: moomoooooo
mi_lovey: its been raining
mi_lovey: noooo
mi_lovey: so what else did you and bong talked about
mi_lovey: he must be busy working
coldfiona: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
coldfiona: he's out for lunch yata
coldfiona: oops he's back?
mi_lovey: dunno lol
mi_lovey: he didnt msg me
coldfiona: wanderingrock (10:16:19 AM): In the spirit of halloween... CHeck this site: http://www.creativespirits.net/paranormal/famouspics1.php
wanderingrock (10:16:24 AM): good morning
coldfiona (10:16:44 AM): oops.. what's that site all about?
coldfiona (10:16:49 AM): good moaning po
wanderingrock (10:16:52 AM): look for yourself hehehehe
wanderingrock (10:16:59 AM): anong handle ni tanggero pala sa YM?
coldfiona (10:17:20 AM): di sya online eh.. teka hanapin ko po
coldfiona (10:18:15 AM): t_anggers
coldfiona (10:18:32 AM): kita ko na mga pics na ito... sa readers digest book
wanderingrock (10:18:57 AM): supposedly pics ng mga multo yan
coldfiona (10:19:21 AM): i should show you G's pic... ewan ko lang bakit ako lang yata nakakakita ng face sa likod nya
wanderingrock (10:19:58 AM): ano
mi_lovey: lol
mi_lovey: im amazed he saw that face you are talking abt
mi_lovey: is itthe same description you see?
coldfiona: wanderingrock (10:19:58 AM): ano meron sa pic ni g?
coldfiona (10:20:14 AM): parang may face sa likod nya
wanderingrock (10:20:25 AM): may i see it?
coldfiona (10:21:16 AM): wait... im thinking how to show that to you
wanderingrock (10:21:39 AM): ok
coldfiona (10:21:43 AM): may hello ka diba?
wanderingrock (10:22:02 AM): oo (but not sure how to use it hehehehehe)
coldfiona (10:22:48 AM): ano email address mo don? i need to search you... i can forward the pic to you there
coldfiona: grrrrrrrr!! darn mouse!!
coldfiona: wanderingrock (10:23:04 AM): greenkingstone@yahoo.com
coldfiona (10:28:44 AM): http://last_chance.blogspot.com
coldfiona (10:29:36 AM): ay ang liit pala
wanderingrock (10:29:57 AM): its so minute
coldfiona (10:29:59 AM):
coldfiona (10:30:04 AM): i can send it here
wanderingrock (10:30:29 AM): ok
coldfiona (10:30:43 AM): sending... hope your firewall doesnt block me
wanderingrock (10:31:42 AM): why is it taking so long?
coldfiona (10:32:08 AM): your firewall i think
coldfiona (10:32:17 AM): it's being sent to you now
coldfiona: wanderingrock (10:33:08 AM): i think it's a book behind her
coldfiona (10:33:16 AM): it's a chair daw
wanderingrock (10:33:23 AM): the purple-redish think behind her?
coldfiona (10:33:32 AM): yep
wanderingrock (10:33:44 AM): though it looks like a square-face with a chinky closed eyes
wanderingrock (10:34:06 AM): nah it's a chair nga
coldfiona (10:34:18 AM): it looks like someone on the phone
wanderingrock (10:34:33 AM): i chatted with g yesterday and i gather that you and her have been friends for ages now?
coldfiona (10:34:51 AM): yes... chatmates
wanderingrock (10:35:03 AM): have you met in person already?
coldfiona (10:35:47 AM): no
coldfiona (10:36:03 AM): she came here 2000, i was in the hospital taking care of my lola
wanderingrock (10:36:11 AM): sayang
coldfiona: coldfiona (10:36:22 AM): we were not as close as we are now
wanderingrock (10:36:45 AM): i think also that she's talking about her self in her story at her blog...
coldfiona (10:37:02 AM): oh?
wanderingrock (10:37:37 AM): i have this feeling that she's the one who was impregnated by the bf ... (my guess only)
wanderingrock (10:37:46 AM): wait brb
coldfiona (10:38:12 AM): k
mi_lovey: lol
mi_lovey: so he reads
coldfiona:
coldfiona: see?
mi_lovey: lol he didnt seem to be, i asked him he said no
coldfiona: maybe he started reading your blogs recently
coldfiona: after your last chat
mi_lovey: im planning to stop it actually
mi_lovey: and delete them
coldfiona: dont delete... just save the post... dont publish
coldfiona: edit then save the post
mi_lovey: like a draft?
coldfiona: yup
coldfiona: it will be saved as a draft... this way you get to keep everything even the comments
mi_lovey: ohhh
mi_lovey: i'll do that then
coldfiona: uy... what was that you wanted to tell me? regarding my email
mi_lovey: ohhh
mi_lovey: when I met her in 2000
coldfiona: lorie?
mi_lovey: yes
mi_lovey: she seemed so lady like
mi_lovey: i mean lik old fashion kind
coldfiona: well she is like that in person
mi_lovey: she was with ate lisa then and that other gal who we talked abt the chubby one?
coldfiona: pain
mi_lovey: yes
mi_lovey: her
mi_lovey: so anyway
coldfiona: anyway
mi_lovey: i knew then she was with Revo then another guy,, i cant rem him but anyway when we chatted again in chat after i had LG she told me abt havinga bf
mi_lovey: she even sent me picutres of them
mi_lovey: she was really into him
coldfiona: ahh... another chatter?
mi_lovey: then last night she told me he got married already and now has a baby
mi_lovey: no this guy isnt a chatter
mi_lovey: she met him in france
coldfiona: i mean the last guy
mi_lovey: and i told her i really envy her bec in my situation i can't seem to have time ...and not just time i mean i dont know what you call it
mi_lovey: the uhmmm like i cant think or imagine to ahvea bf
mi_lovey: if nt harold
mi_lovey: its like weird fo rme bec of LG
mi_lovey: she said her and the father of her baby are not even in speaking terms
mi_lovey: so its not like there is anything there
coldfiona: ahh... he has another family now
mi_lovey: but i rem that time in 2000 during my eb
mi_lovey: she was so inlove with this guy
mi_lovey: i guess another chatter got that guy
coldfiona: even w/ Revo she was inlove w/ him
mi_lovey: yeah she told me that
mi_lovey: i just find it amusing that she can joke abt your sex life
mi_lovey: if i was there and they were doing that i would have made a comment that maybe would get her to be pissed with me
coldfiona: she was influenced by gina
mi_lovey: im starting to not like that woman hehehe
coldfiona: gina talks about sex like she's a whore advertising herself
mi_lovey: she has kids too she should act appropriately
coldfiona: hehehehe
coldfiona: you should have seen the stuff she said
coldfiona: she thinks it's nice to talk that way... that's why tim likes to pick on her
mi_lovey: Ate fions, why can a guy be attracted to a woman like that? i mean men really like dirty mouth women?
coldfiona: like harold?
mi_lovey: yeah im talking abt harold
mi_lovey: i mean
coldfiona: harold has his reasons for wanting to marry her even if she's like that
mi_lovey: helet all the women who has finesse and smartness in them and keeps fixating on this kindof gals
coldfiona: men like women like that because they feel they can get her to bed... or do certain things for them
coldfiona: you want to know why harold likes her?
mi_lovey: ate fions, look, you love a man and you marry then, you will do anything for him, even to be his personal whore...as long as you both enjoy it and are happy doing it
mi_lovey: I am scared to ask....
coldfiona: I THINK... it's because he cant get serious w/ them... did you read my blog about men getting married?
mi_lovey: yes
coldfiona: he's like that... he wants to get married because he knows it's time
coldfiona: but he doesnt want to get serious or tied down by one woman
coldfiona: this is my opinion
mi_lovey: marry her even thou she is not worth him?i mean he is worth much more of a woman like that
mi_lovey: he doesn't deserve a cheap, dirty mouthed woman
coldfiona: he sees these women differently... and how do you know they are not worth him?
mi_lovey: of all things i picture him with a woman who is educated with calss, and reserved
mi_lovey: class*
coldfiona: my dear i think he deserves someone like gina... i love harold but he doesnt treat women with respect... so he deserves someone like gina
mi_lovey: ate fions...harold isn't worth any woman who can't be respected by another man when Harold turn his back
coldfiona: well if he will still fool around even after he;s married, why would he get a nice woman to marry?
coldfiona: that would make him feel bad wouldnt it?
mi_lovey: you have a point there......
coldfiona: but dont tell harold i told you that
mi_lovey: how can she even be a mother to his child - that just sickens me
mi_lovey: we don't talk
coldfiona: these are all my opinions... i care for him but i dont like the way he treats women
mi_lovey: and i know things not to be discussed - its common sense
coldfiona: naku... common sense isnt so common these days hehehe
coldfiona: just look inside the channel hehehe
mi_lovey: i dont either and I thought i could have changed him... i screwed it up when he was trying to be good
mi_lovey: lol
coldfiona: do you honestly think you can be responsible for his actions?
coldfiona: naku
coldfiona: para kang nanay!
mi_lovey: lets change the topic, i think in order for me to stop thinking about it i just needed to discuss it with you and hear your sensibility on the matter
mi_lovey: i am a Nanay
coldfiona: nyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
coldfiona: my ex... the gym instructor... he;s kinda like that
coldfiona: he dumped me for someone else... and then she cheated on him... it nearly killed him but he still ended marrying her
mi_lovey: lol
coldfiona: why? because he has this perception that a wife is just a wife, a girlfriend is different... a barkada is better
mi_lovey: still trust her?
mi_lovey: how can you love when there is no trust?
coldfiona: kasi nga it was time for him to settle down
mi_lovey: goodness
coldfiona: his mom ran away with another man
coldfiona: that affected him a whole lot
mi_lovey: to settle down take any woman even the oen that is least of them all?
mi_lovey: scary
coldfiona: so he thinks a wife is bad and is different from the rest
coldfiona: he married his bad wife
mi_lovey: *sigh* sad and stupid
coldfiona: and he is cheating on her now because he "thinks" she deserves it... like his mom who ran away w/ another man
coldfiona: but that's how some men are
coldfiona: it's their parents' fault
mi_lovey: i think so... but here men are not that fast to cheat
mi_lovey: they are scared of the support
mi_lovey: their pocket will be hit
mi_lovey: lol
coldfiona: hahahaha
mi_lovey: and talking about that...
coldfiona: no wonder!
mi_lovey: i have brought home work that i need to get done so i will excuse myself early
mi_lovey: i dont think i can get it done tonight but
mi_lovey: iforgot i am cooking
coldfiona: oh ok
coldfiona: i might as well leave now
coldfiona: hehehe
mi_lovey: i thought i can get started early on it
mi_lovey: i'll try to catch you ebfore i goto work if not i will talk to you when i get home
coldfiona: im going out na lang
mi_lovey: you should and have fun
coldfiona: i need to take care of a few things anyway
mi_lovey: just be safe
mi_lovey: watch out for those DOM
coldfiona: have fun without any money?
mi_lovey: lol
coldfiona: i need a DOM right now my dear
coldfiona:
coldfiona: i need cash
mi_lovey: and with that - why dont you le tme help while i can
mi_lovey: you know what
coldfiona: not from you... from those silly MEN
mi_lovey: im thinking of sending you a box full of old clothes and books
coldfiona: i want to use them!!!
mi_lovey: that you can sell in a garage sale there
mi_lovey: lol then you can make money
coldfiona: hahahahhaha
mi_lovey: what is it called???
coldfiona: maybe we can make money that way
mi_lovey: gracey told me abt it
coldfiona: ukay ukay
mi_lovey: okay okay somehting like that
mi_lovey: it was a funny name
mi_lovey: yeahhh
coldfiona: sige we'll talk about it next time
mi_lovey: alright but see that gave me an idea
mi_lovey: since i was always donating them
mi_lovey: sayang
mi_lovey: and the weight do notmatter anyway when you send
coldfiona: well there are still other people who can donate to you
mi_lovey: lol i ahve so much junk
mi_lovey: i wish i can send them all there
mi_lovey: its pathetic here
coldfiona: hehehe
coldfiona: we'll think of a way
mi_lovey: ok
mi_lovey: lets start a business
mi_lovey: hehehe
coldfiona: yes!!!!
coldfiona: F and G's ukay
mi_lovey: ukoy ukay
mi_lovey: ha ha ha
coldfiona: even used laptops
mi_lovey: i ahve used PCs
coldfiona: they can be sold here
mi_lovey: sus
coldfiona: not PC
coldfiona: laptop
coldfiona: PC is cheap here
mi_lovey: uhmmm
mi_lovey: ok im going
mi_lovey: lets brainstorm this idea
mi_lovey: sounds like we can make money
coldfiona: hehehehhehe
coldfiona:
mi_lovey: take care and keep safe
mi_lovey: bye ate fions
coldfiona: gnite
mi_lovey: g'night
coldfiona has signed out. (10/18/2004 10:00 PM)

and these past few days

been a bit hard but able to cope. I decided to take him out of my messenger so I would not see him frequently and have the urge to message him. I do miss talking to him but it was not my call to decide on this. I just faced the reality of it.

i can get through this right? .... i hope so... need to keep thinking to need those who needs me...love those who love me...depend on those who can depend on me... otherwise.......it is not necessary....

mi corazon deseo

it has been a while since we last spoke. I didn't want to post here for fear that I will end up being sentimental again. That, I do not need.

Reality is, if by now he has chosen not to say a word then it just meant he rather not and will continue to make that stand no matter what. It is not a matter of ego tripping or who will win at the end. I made the last move and obviously it was ignored.... just means what it is, it do not matter if I am not around for him.

This game should end, been here and has done that. I thought we have outgrown it but I am wrong. Here we are again back to the same place. Him with a girl, me a patch to cover his bored moments, and then a rag to toss when he has no need or use for.

I have nothing to lose anymore, and he has a girl who needs and loves him. It is time to cut that tie and let go....just let go....

ate f is right.... the gf do not know, I know... again I am being placed ina situation where I am the 2nd fiddle, I am the one to adjust, to understand. But why? Why is it alright to tell me there is another woman but I fill his void? Why is it alright to ask me to meet him after meeting another girl? Why can't it be the other way around? Why can't she know about me....if I am important now as before, why then can't it just be me? Is it me who is kidding myself? Is it me who is holding on?

.........it is time to let him go.........like before, I can do it again...i can let go because i love enough.....if he comes back needing JUST me and would want and need ONLY me then he is the ONE - the right one......if not...i was just right to let him go... good bye mi corazon deseo...te quierro !

ok what now?

I dont know what just went on enough for him to just say he has to go without saying g'bye or goodnight. So easy to tell when he is irritated with me, his indifference is so obvious. I don't feel it necessary to confront him and yet I am left wondering. He said I confuse him, I didn't even get an explanation on what.

I wish he would stop this way of dealing with me when he has issues regarding me that bothers him or irritate him or confuse him. I want to be able to talk to him openly and rely on him that he would do the same.

so now what? I didn't even get to tell him I wont be around tomorrow totalk to him. I plan to go to the beach and be with with my baby....

my sister blogging

My sister got into blogging today. Caught her reading my post and she gave me this pathetic, "I am sorry but I had to be nosey" look. I am not particularly upset. I have known all along she reads my blog. Ijust really am curious how she discovers them. She spent a great protion of her time creating and learning to blog. She already have stuff she want to post but I told her to take it easy. :) she got excited. I am hoping this will keep her at home or at ther office at elast resting and not running around too much during her free time. She needs rest. She hardly gets them since she opened her clinic.

My migraine has been bothering my the past 2 nights. It is isn't as bad today nor last night. But the night before was bad. I didn't even have any medications for it anymore.

I received a text from him asking me if I miss him he must be drinking again. I do not know what he meants by always asking me if I miss him. Why can't he miss me?

It is funny how I suddenly thought of one day asking him "mahal mo ko?" instead of "miss mo ko?" and see how he respond to that. Thing with him is if he has no answer or if the answer he has is something he thinks will hurt the feelig of the other person, he would just ignore. That is how I always know I placed him on the spot.

Ahhh .... I will try that one day.... I have nothing to lose nor to hurt. It will not offend me if he says "no di kita mahal" so why not.... let's see what happens...

change

Had a long talk with ate fions today. It helped a lot since I am missing his company. We pretty much discussed her ex and the night he came. I sensed her pain as it near the part that they were together. I can understand her. Mostly because I have been there.

I happened to mention about the "meet" in Europe. She is right to point out that he will never change. She knows him enough to know what i already know. She asked me if I believed he wil ever change. I told her I really do not know but maybe, given the right incentive to change, he will.

She also asked me if I think I deserve to be happy. I said "I believe I deserve to be happy at the right time, for the right reason with him."

I have always given in to anything for the purpose of making things easier and bearable for him. I found out through him that on some instances, I made the wrong decision. But how would I to know it was worng when I never knew exactly what it was we had? I knew what I want and need and feel...I never knew his.

I am waiting for the right sign that will make me change my mind to go and be with him. I am waiting to either feel or to know he feels. I will not place myself again in the same situation I was in before. He can't be meeting Gina and then meeting me. He can meet her and be content or realize she isn't it then ask me again. But I will not be with him, love him again, be on the phone with him while he is on his way to another woman, then treat me like I was just another friend he slept with. I can't risk my feelings again - I have no one else to help me get through it.