my dream

what was it that you wanted to say to me that you have always wanted to say that you never said......it holds the key to my dream.....

Purpose

My emotions have weakened me once again. I feel some sense of resentment towards him. I am playing this senseless mind games with him that maybe would be enoughto waste our time until it is time for me to say good bye.

It is a way to avoid any sensible conversation that can arise with me saying something tohim I will or can regret.

Having him in my life is a complicated issue withme. It since I can not figure out at the moment.

It is like wanting him and yet not wanting to want him. I really do not understand his purpose in my life. Or mine to his....

i miss you sweetheart

I miss my baby......so much....I ache to touch him and hold him right now....

Anonymous

this headache from a hang-over is not as bad as I used to get them. As I review my blogs & logs from last night, I think I said too much to my ex. Ai yay yay yay...the essence of the spirit can set you wild and free.

at least I didn't slipped and gave him more info about this blog. I had a nice time last night. But somehow I have this feeling of guilt.

That anonymous commentor in my other blog is now commenting in ate fions's blog. I set my control in my blog for registered user only to comment. I also made and entry regarding knowing where he is from and since i have a hint of who he is, I added to mention the company of employment. That made him aware (if that is really him) that I am unto him. He stoppedmaking entries in my blog and now commenting in ate fions blog. I just received an e-mail from ate fions that her tracer came up with Sonoma County which is the same county I got tracing this guy anonymously posting in my blog.

my angel

yey! I got an angel flying in my blog, it is so cute. Somehow it reminds me of LG don't have a clue why. That is courtesy of my mi - he is so good to me and I know I forget that sometimes and he tend to act the total opposite when he is irritated with me but I hope to change that. Maybe when I see this flying angel it will remind me that at one point he was able to be this good to me....

I am so tipsy, it is taking me so logn to type this hehehe keep deleting and correcting.

I am contented and happy today... something about today that I woke up with a smile...

craving for your smile

I am having a weird moment. All of a sudden while chatting with my ex, I craved to see his smile. I guess it is because we are talking about something mildly serious - his dream, and I made a remark about something remotely weird in relevance to that matter. He typed "lol" and I had an instantaneous want to see his smile.

I am starting to be so fond of him again....(I shouldn't think...don't think...quit thinking)

frisky

I don't get it, why am I the horniest when I am on my period :( Actually it has been a while since I had this feeling. Just started last month. Huhmmm... wonder why. What is making me feel this way? I have no intention of asking or telling my sister. I know before my period, I normally get very, very frisky (my milder word for horny or sexually tensed). Other than that, I usually have no feelings like this anymore. I mean c'mon I don't even get turned with naked body of a man...(not with women's either)

What usually turn me on is anything romantic with a man (who interest me) manipulating it. Say what? hehehe this will be such a task to explain. It is like this. Anything that can be turned romantic by a man is enough to seduce me. Example: A stem of rose with the petal being rubbed against my bare back by a man I have an interest with or I like. To clarify, "like" meaning respect, admire, crush or finds fascinating, not lustful errr can be that too :P

It can also be a romantic talk that contains solemn vow of love and security....or a touch on my face with a look that contains all the feelings words could not express....*sigh* so much others...it takes a man who really want me to be able to seduce me.

I will just hit the cold shower and it should do it...hopefully :( or else I am taking them damn sleeping pills!

Argghh! My ex is onto me. Why does he like to ask me if I missed him? I do miss him when he isn't around since I have no one to chat with. I like chatting with him since I don't have to lie or avoid or do anything but be myself.

As to missing him in any other way, the way I am feeling right now, he was the last man I was with, darn it YES! I AM MISSING YOU! but of course I will not admit that. You are liable to use that against me. Anyways, I can miss making love to you or talking to you, or your touch but that doesn't mean it is right to be with you. Too complicated and it will just be back to where I was before and I can't handle that anymore. I have no one now to redirect my feelings, emotions and time.

PMS

Now, really...I was PMSing big time yesterday and day before yesterday. That explains it all. Normally I feel flirtish and *cough* horny couple of days before my period, then a headache 24 hours before the onset of it along with unexplained bouts of no reason sobbing, evil stares directed at my Dad or Sister along with silent treatment for 24 hours. I started today and all I had was my mild bitchy mood and it was directed to females at work. *giggles* My Dad finds out I started my period and didn't go through my usual drama of "unexplained sensitiveness, sobbing, pathetic, bitchness" towards him, I can almost hear him say "I've been blessed today...life is good!"

I read this while surfing before. I kept the link since it is very interesting and uhmmm also there is something about that website that caught my attention - the bird...

The symptoms can be divided into three general categories. (In italics are what I regularly suffer)

Changes in Mood or Anxiety

Depression
Irritability - *nothng senseless can be uttered or you get the evil eye*
Anger
Tearfulness - *pails of 'em for no reason whatsoever & then i will realize later that it was plain STUPID*
Increased emotional reactivity
Changes in sexual desire * this is really true, you want when you cant :P *
Anxiety
Exacerbation of existing psychiatric condition

Changes in Attention

Forgetfulness
Confusion
Difficulty staying on task
Prone to accidents

Physical Changes

Breast tenderness
Feeling bloated - *I feel I am the fattest of all*
Swelling in arms and legs
Migraine *this is no joke it brings me down to my knees*
Back pain
Difficulty sleeping *this is when I do more blogging hehehe*
Changes in energy level
Nausea

and I found out that it is really common for all women working in the same office to have their period around the same time. I thought it was weird that we have it going that way in the office.

Social Support: A supportive spouse or roommate can be a great help during low energy days or periods of irritability. Some women can take turns helping each other during vulnerable times. However, women who live or work closely together often go into synch: they have their menses at the same time. Depending on the situation, this can either be a support or a difficult time for the entire group. (Yeah! Picture 10 women and one guy in an office then all women PMSing at the same time hehehehe that explains my Admin's balding head)


note *research sexual activity at this state*

mi

I find it really amazing that I have to blogs I am updating. One public and another private. I don't know why I still keep checking my tracker to see if there are any others reading. I did notice one different IP other than mine. I m not sure who it is since this tracer doesn't actually pin point the location of the user. It just gives an address of the IP provider and that doesn't mean he is in that same city, even state. Why did I even bother attaching a tracker eh? huhmmm.... oh well... :)

I had a tiring day at the office again but a good one. I cleaned up my desk getting it ready for the lady I am training to take over my desk. I will be seating at the next day available for her if she ever needs my help. I also need to finish the remaining cases that I have pending. I am also working tomorrow from 8am to 3pm.

I text him earlier before lunch and wished him a good 2 day off & vaguely told him about working tomorrow. He replied and it always surprise me when he does maybe because I never do expect it, since like I said, it is expensive to text me and he has girlfriends where his text credits are earmarked for.

I learn to ignore his name callings on me like "sexy", "ganda", "gorgeous" etc.... I used to frown on it since it makes me feel like one of his girlets he flirts with or he is trying to win over with this flirty tags. I really rather wish he stop and just stick to either my name or whatever one term of endearment he calls me but it is petty of me so I will just let it be. He could just always call me "mi" as he has always done. I have a feeling he thinks by calling me that again that I will think he has feelings for me other than a platonic or one which is pure care since I am the mother of his son. I hope he isn't and knows I ammuch more mature than that and would neve think a term of endearment means anything else but that.

He asked me to call him when I am not so busy anymore. But if I am at work I am always busy. It is hard to find time to do anything other than what is in front of me. I can't even remember to write checks for my bills or call the credit company to make a payment over the phone. I had to do that here at home.

By the time I get home, it is a weird time for me to be calling him. It is like 3 or 4 am his time. By the time he wakes up I will be deep in sleep. So it is really hard to find the perfect time to call him. And couple of times I did try, he never picked up. I stopped assuming or thinking what could be the reason for that since it is practically NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I have been reading other people's blog too and putting my 2 cents on those I enjoyed reading. I have one I did yesterday that when I checked on again this morning - my comment was gone :( but I was thinking if it was deleted it would show it was deleted right? Huhmmm... I will try once again and if it disappears then he doesn't care for my visits in his blog then. I will take that as the interpretation for it.

Exhausted

It's been an exhausting day today plus I woke up with my period. It is late but I can't even be scared that I might be pregnant since .... heck! sad but true. If virginity can be restored for not having any sexual activity for over a year then I am a virgin 3x over! If I can sell that I would be rich. *sigh* It is weird, I feel the sexiest when I am on my period and I seem to get more compliment and flirtings around this time too. I guess it is because of how I carry myself when I feel sexy. You reflect how you feel. But damn....why on my period...even if not, I will not get lucky anyway. I will flirt and then of course.... I will back off! GGrrrr!

Don't assume I am ugly. No sex doesn't mean that the person is or that I am lousy in bed. My Mom told me I am the most beautiful child ever. He he he I am making myself laugh here. Silly me or maybe to others the expression will be "sick!"

I have had chances and offers. But I give my body so much respect and also, it was the least on my mind since I was raising a child. I didn't want to go for casual sex fearing the diseases I can stumble upon on, plus a guy who will harrass me if I don't want to see him again if ever I didn't enjoy his performance (hehehe) and yet I don't want to be in any serious relationship. That, to me would take my time away from my son. My attention and energy was focused on him. I considered it irresponsibility to be out dating and having fun, giving in to my superficial need and want while my son is being taken cared of by others. It didn't sit right with me. Not that I think other mothers who does this is irresponsible, that isn't it. I do not pre-judge others, I am merely talking about myself and how I feel on this issue in relevance to my own life & self. When I see other mothers having fun on a night out or with their boyfriends, I don't feel envious or wished that I would be able to do such also. I have always been happy with my choice to devote all the time I can with my son. When I see women out with their husband, that is when I wish.

I am a human being with needs too. But I am able to place it aside since I would not settle for anything less than a sexual & committed relationship that consist of love and respect..... or the man who gave me my son. Nope! I am not hung up on him still. It is just my thinking that, "he already shared the bed with me once and gave me my son so nothing wrong with being with him again if even just to satisfy my need" but don't count on that. Most likely I will not even settle for that now. It used to work on my mentality to trick it into hoping for that great sex to come to my life again. I doubt it will even work anymore.

He is not working today meaning we will not have any communication until he goes back to work in 2 days. Texting me cost quite a lot and he has a girl (or girls) he has to earmark his text credits for. Nope! I am not jealous. It was just a statement of fact to explain why I hardly get any text messages from him even after sending him one. That is the weird part. I miss that feeling of jealousy. Does it really mean I no longer love him? Is it really gone? Will it ever come back? Should I decide to see him then? If I no longer love him, why even bother to give in to his request of meeting in Europe? Won't I just be risking to ruin his relationships and also....loving him again? But if I still love him, the more I shouldn't right? Because I will be doing the same thing I have done before. Loving him, him letting me be and hurting.

I can't find an answer to this....

I need a hug

thought a lot about my Mom today. I needed her hugs. I may be too old for that but that is one thing I miss the most about her. Being able to kiss her everynight and getting her hugs at any given time.

I miss hugging my son too. When things are bad or just when day is not going right, even when I am just plain tired, hugging him always takes every bad feelings away. His innocent smiles and kisses makes everything go away.

Testing "miss"

I sat here, surfed, read and surfed some more until it failed to notice it is 3 am. Checked yahoo and there he was still. Sent my usual bid for the night and turned it off. I was visible in there. I decided to put the word "miss" on a test tonight. And it failed it tremendously. This is a good lesson for me to always remember too. If you do not rush things, it will always give you some light on what it is really all about. Not just because a flower smells good means it is a pretty one. All is good...

I am now off to bed and hopefully will wake up in time for work. Found a really nice website full of cool stuff to read but too tirednow to even goback there and bookmark it.

hot podge

Wasn't a great day at work. Gossip started about my promotion and it really got to me. Why do people have to be cruel? I know anyone who works in that office gets promoted, I will be happy for them. I am asking a stupid question and why compare my thinking to them. We didn't have the same mother who raised us all.

I received a miss call from him this morning at work in my cell. I wanted so bad to call him back and gripe about the rumors I am hearing but I decided against it. I don't want to start calling him because I need him. I don't want to need him as much as possible. I am scared to.

He sent me an e-card yesterday that express the sentiment of missing me. I know he is trying his best to be this best good person and friend to me. I do notknow what the reasoning is behind it but it really do not matter much to me right now. It can be to make up for the other bad stuff or it could be to set me up to hurt me again. Whichever, it is not relevant to me right now. Maybe when I figure out how I really feel it will be, for now, that area is still a blur to me. I amnot in a hurry to figure it out though, maybe because I know he is with someone and if I do realize I still love him that I will start feeling again all the sentiments and emotions that comes with it. I will be out of place to even feel that considering he is with someone.

If you "miss" a person does it automatically mean you need that person?

Weekend Camp

I got back last night from camping with a bruised tailbone and scratched butt cheeks. I was sore and tired but relaxed. I needed that time to be myself but not locked inside the secureness of my room.

I finished a book by Martha Browne, Autobiography of a Female Slave. It is worth every penny that I paid for. That is the thing though. Before Ipurchase the book I sometimes feel that the price is a bit too much and oftenly, I will wait it out to go on sale. I wasn't able to resist that one book and paid $49.00 for it. I remember thinking I will finish it in probably 3-5 days and feel like I wasted my money and then! I will feel like a dumb blond for paying that much for it. Not so... I am glad I paid for it and to add it to my collection of Autobiography books.

Martha Griffith Browne, the author of Autobiography of a Female Slave, was a white woman from Kentucky who, prior to her conversion to abolitionism, had been a slaveowner.

The Synopsis
Mattie Griffith, passing as a black, wanted her book to horrify and shame the nation. She posed as a slave to bring attention to the injustice of slavery. Identifying herself as Ann, a former servant woman, she recalls her protected youth and good education as a nearly white child. She tells that at twelve she was sold to a brutal master. On his Kentucky plantation she witnessed and experienced the cruelty of slave life. Following his death one of his daughters takes Ann to the city as her servant. Ann finds new friendships there and falls in love with Henry, a slave who kills himself after being cheated out of his self-purchase. After being sold to an elderly Bostonian who emancipates her, Ann finishes her story as a schoolteacher for black children.

Alright, enough about the book which I enjoyed tremendously. I am chatting with him while I type this up. I told him about my recurring dream that has now expanded. I get to into describing it, I didn't even bother to ask if I am going way too fast for him, if he is missing something or if there is some area he has a question on. As I realized to do that, he has been caught busy, might be from work sicne no matter how busy he is with chatting with others he has always managed to sneak in either a "hehe" or a "huh?"

I felt I am imposing again. I don't know why I feel this way. It is quite weird. I try to teach myself from eliminating this feeling of imposing on people of being in their way but I can't seem to learn to shake it off. It is part of my Mom's trait and also raising me. To always make sure I am not in other people's way or imposing. It is alright to imposed on us but try to never impose on anyone. It is the same as better to give than to receive. Always have extra food for anyone who can be coming knocking on your door hungry (that goes same for money and clothing!) My Mom had always been this Catholic, good natured woman who is always there first in line to help if there is even a slightest hint that help is needed. Thi sis al without expecting anything back in return. Nope she isn't the kind to gossip either or to say anything back at anyone who says things that offends her or hurts her feelings. She always handles it with a smile and most of the time an apology that goes "You have to excuse a woman my age, we tend not to function as we use to" I have openly criticized her on this statement but I never won. I got to the point that I stopped bothering to even consider it.

It will be midnight soon and he is still in idle mode. I rather not leave without saying a proper g'nite. It is at least, all what we tend to have now, a descent communication couple hours a night. I did miss chatting while he was off, thing is I can't make a distinction if it was him I missed or the chatting -( being able to talk endlessly about anything) since I really don't even chat with anyone regularly but him. He is basically "it", the only one I talk to and have somehow managed to be open with mostly on anything lately. I figured out that it is not because it is "him" that is why I talk. It is because he doesn't have a face. It is like blogging. Sending my sentiments & thoughts across the net with the difference of getting an instant reply and reaction to whatever I say. I still intend to not get use to this. As much as I want to keep this going, I don't trust him yet to stay and always be there. That is another thing on this matter. I am scared to rely on him ...not for the fear that I can fall for him once again....but fearing that I will need him again and in a heartbeat of discontent to a single word of action I do, he will be far, indifferent and a stranger once again. I am alone now. Needing another soul is a scary thing especially if you know the capability of that person to leave and let you be. I have no one anymore to focus my attention and divert my pain to if ever that happened. So why would I even allow to be in that situation? Am I really asking for trouble? Ahhh... yes.... his request to meet with him. Still in the back of my mind... haunting me... if he had pressed for an answer right then and there, I would have given him what I still feel will be my answer int he future - No.

I know I will only end up hurting again by seeing him. And he can't give me a purpose or reason for his want to see me. I am stuck to think that he knows it will hurt me, that he can hurt me, and he blames me partly for our child. That is why, it could be why.... He is meeting another woman whom he most likely woing to sleep with and this woman has already told everyone she is madly in love with him. Why would I risk getting in the middle of that? Wasn't I there before? Haven't I done this before and risked everything because I loved him? But I don't even love him now. I care about him deeply. I know if given the chance I can love him again. But what is my reason now to even take that risk again of meeting him, seeing his face, falling apart in his arms, loving him and then parting ways and being indifferent towards me again? WHY and WHAT are all these for?

alter persona

human nature, really? to be pretending to be all righteous who has done and suffered it all and yet when no one is looking, they commit all the sin in the world and searches for ways to be the center of attention. They have to have done and experienced it all to be right and listened to. Have you ever wonder why some has so much time to post, comment, argue and just be in your face? Because they are those who has no job, no social life, no family, no money who uses up all the time by creating this "alter persona" in the net world. I wonder how they expect to find peace, love, money and stability if 20 hours of their life is devoted in this fake world. Yet they keep complaining about not having to find a descent relationship or not having money. Maybe if they try to find work and get hired or start doing something that can help earn a few cents rather be in front of the PC when they wake up and before they sleep, they will feel more accomplishment (real accomplishment) in their life! She tells her parents she is studying and yet she is in front fo the PC the moment she wakes up chatting. My sister will suggest websites to go to for resume and she will complain that it lags or that she has to complete information all the time before she can even post resume. But then if we have a situation she is first to give us advise because "it happened to her" most of the time I ginore people like this, I even avoid them, I don't waste my time nor breath. But there are those exceptions that creeps in when you lose your patience and you blurt out "You are so smart to know almost everything and had experience everything good and bad, why are you wasting your time sitting there and not making money out of it?" Then not even wait for an answer and just leave....*My bad*

purpose

I know I already have a blog that I have started after accidentally messing my first blog's template, also finding out that my ex has known about it made me just totally delete it. So, basically this is my 3rd blog with the 1st remaining empty. I don't know why I can't seem to write anything there even as much as I want to. I have tried several times and I end up deleting it and leaving it empty.

I decided this blog will be something like my first blog, similar but not exactly. It will be about my thoughts and sentiments. Mostly about me. Keeping it honest and real. It will be honest, blunt and direct. It will not be written to please anyone or everyone. I have no need to know if you agree or disagree with my thoughts but if you rather make a comment and share yours feel free to do so, but please do try to remember courtesy and respect in doing so.

I am known not to check for spelling before pressing enter or publishing, even printing so any typographical error that this blog contain do not mean I am uneducated nor stupid. I may be rushing or lazy. I will never stood still for anyone who question my education that my Mother worked 2 jobs for.

Anonymous comments I don't fancy much. You have something to say that you believe, mean and can stand for then be proud enough to use your name. It is hard to set a distinction for all "Anonymous" who aggree and who don't. "Who said what" before and "who said this" now. Where and how can the distinction be set from that?

Somehow, I will probably end up posting more here than on the other blog. This is me, myself, without worrying about what who will say and think. My other blog is fun, it is truths and events but it s refined. Done for a mass to interact with. I was told it is alright to blog all about me. It should be all about me. So, here we go!

I am a Gemini, 2 personalities. I don't even know if most people believe in that. I tend to use it as an icon or to describe me. I don't go out reading horoscope everyday and having it guide my life.

I will keep that blog to even my blogging life out. That one is about life in general and this is ALL ABOUT ME! My rants, complains, bitchings, opinions and the evil side of a lady. Anyone who thinks that is bad, too much or self centered can just stop reading :) no one invited you anyway.... :P